Mean Girls in My Head

By Abby Bordner

I have mean girls in my head. They give me defeating messages that make me doubt myself, make me feel bad. Sometimes I imagine they’re having a board meeting inside my head. 

The board room is smokey. The lighting is bad. There is a heavy, dark wood table with chairs around the perimeter. You can barely make out the people around the table. The scene is serious, official, indisputable,  truthful. This meeting has convened to discuss my self worth. I’m the only thing on the agenda.

  • I’m Too Much says, “Too emotional. Too difficult. Too demanding.”
  • I’m Not Enough says, “Not good enough. Doesn’t deserve love or happiness. A failure.”
  • Insecurity chimes in, “No one likes me. I don’t know anything. I’m unlovable.”
  • I’m Selfish wants a turn. “All I care about is myself. I don’t take care of others. I’m a bad Mom. I’m a bad person.”
  • Diva, with her feather boa wrapped around her neck, takes a drag on her cigarette and says, “Everyone in my life is a complete disappointment. No one has ever measured up. I’m better than all those other people. I don’t want to have to deal with them.”

This is the board meeting in my head. It’s not going well for me. All my negative thoughts have gathered to give their opinion of me. I can’t breathe when the board meeting is in session. I wish I could turn off my mind. I struggled with depression for 3 years with two small children.

I worked hard to keep a smile on my face. Nothing was more precious that the love they brought to my life. (I felt guilty for being depressed in the midst of two such adorable, beautiful children. Another mean girl.) I see photos of myself and I can feel the pain that is subtly on my face. I love my children more than anything in the world. They bring me joy beyond measure. I feel the need to say this because another mean girl is saying I’m a bad Mom if I’m depressed.

I found my way out of depression about 4 years ago. I committed to my own happiness in the midst of the board meeting. The board has subsequently disbanded. They sometimes send a message in from the darkness of my thoughts. I’m stronger now and I recognize it and I breathe. I breathe deep to find my center; the core goodness and light that exists in me. I imagine this essence of light as God. I find the center of who I am that is separate from my thoughts, separate from the pain of depression.

I connect to my center, to God easily now. It’s available to me in my breath, in my children’s faces, in the morning silence, in my walk with my dog. It’s everywhere, I just couldn’t see it before.

Who’s in your board room? Leave a comment in the box below about the negative chatter that you hear.

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