Not Knowing

CalmintheStormBy Abby Bordner

Making decisions can be tough. When faced with options some of us freeze, especially when it’s an important decision. I’ve found that there are many times in my life when I’m not sure. I just don’t know. I’m not sure of the right decision. It can be so uncomfortable in this state of uncertainty! I can feel restless and agitated and my mind starts racing with the “what ifs” and the “maybes”. I feel inadequate for not having certainty in my life.

There is something so appealing about certainty. Doesn’t it seem more respectable? There is an illusion of control that comes with certainty. We all want that, right? Well, what I have found is that we spend far more of our life in uncertainty than certainty. And, I guess that goes to say, a lot more of our life not-in- control than in-control.  You know the image of that Mom who has it all together, makes decisions easily, plans things in her planner and makes things happen. It’s another impossible expectation we put on ourselves.

When making decisions, sometimes I feel rushed to come to a conclusion because I’d rather be decisive than unsure. When I feel irritated and restless in this way, I breathe. I open my heart. I calm myself. Can I stand to be with this uncertainty? How can I soothe myself, even when I don’t know? Sometimes we have to stay in uncertainty for a while. I ask myself, “How does it feel in my body if I make a certain decision?” and how does it feel if I make a different decision? I sit and wait for clarity.

Sometimes we have to survive in uncertainty, especially when things are out of our control and it’s not up to us. Finding ways to be peaceful when there is chaos; calm when there is a storm, is our best strategy for life. Essentially, this is managing stress. Our real work in parenting, in relationships, in life, is being calm and peaceful when the life around us isn’t. It takes strength.

Here are some things I do to take care of myself in managing the challenges of everyday life:

  • Sleep well
  • Breathe deeply, again and again
  • Eat healthy
  • Yoga
  • Go for a walk
  • Meet a friend for tea
  • Stop everything and be with my kids
  • Do something nice for someone else (Really. It helps.)
  • Pray
  • Meditate (Actually I have a hard time meditating. But I try.)

Most of the time we don’t know until it’s time to know. And we have to wait until then.

How will you pass the time?

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Leave A Reply (4 comments so far)


  1. Karie
    3 years ago

    Great support and outlook here for decision making… I love this!!


  2. Marcia Lawrence
    2 years ago

    Thank you so much for your emails, they are very helpful to me and I use them with my parent training and friends.

    Your information has shown me that I need to follow the advice also. I get busy with everyday activities…work….and don’t take time to take care of myself. I have been making more time to do things I enjoy and realize the importance or friends. Thanks again.

    God continue to bless you and the work you share with others.

    Marcia Lawrence
    Family Specialist


    • Abby Bordner
      2 years ago

      Thanks for your comment, Marcia! So glad to hear from you. Yes, sometimes us “caregivers” forget to take care of ourselves. I’m glad you’re getting that reminder! I find I’m better at all the things I do in my life if I care for myself along the way. Thanks for the work you do!